It's interesting now that I'm half-way through what may very well be my last pregnancy experience. I have found myself less consumed with Eve's growing than I was with Sierra's. I fill my free-time with toddler fun now; so I only find the time to reflect when I am home from work and Sierra has gone to sleep. Eve usually picks up her movement at night as well, so it becomes my favorite time to think of her. I find myself wondering and hoping, that she's alright in there. That she's healthy or if she is moving enough? It seems like she is kicking less than Sierra was at this time. Does that mean something? You know, pregnancy mom thoughts. Still though, I don't have 5 or 6 pregnancy and/or delivery books on my bed stand this time around.
All of the sudden my belly has expanded rapidly; I also know my uterus is now level with my belly button. I have gained just over 10 pounds so far, but now the more rapid weight gain should be hitting with about a pound a week. My appetite has kicked up a notch, although I am still trying to be aware of how much and what I eat... I have to admit it has been far from perfect. My first trimester was fairly typical for most moms: relatively miserable. Feeling exhausted and nauseous most of the time with an appetite only for all things carbohydrate. Luckily a few weeks into the second trimester, the pregnancy turned around, and even better at this point now that there is no mistaking my pregnancy with my sweet baby bump.
I love this cute pregnancy belly (that's how you know I'm still in the second trimester, my belly is still cute to me) which is now alive with movement. Her little reminders to me that she is growing every day. So reassuring. I also remember the results of the Panorama blood draw if I ever need to ease my mind. She is healthy. Our twenty week ultrasound will be this Sunday, and we are so excited because it's the "big" one. That is, it is the ultrasound from our first pregnancy that made us both cry to witness.
As Eve grows so does Sierra, her development astounds Gus and I on a daily basis. She is such a talker and puts together so many new things. She enjoyed socializing with the softball team when I brought her in with me to work on MLK Day. She loved the attention and high fives. We often wonder where and how she remembers and recalls all that she does. Recently we have also noticed her appreciation for music, perhaps the cord of C minor (we're not quite sure). She gets emotional when she hears moving songs. This happened twice in the car when the duet of Christina Aguilera and A Great Big World sang "Say Something." Gus was driving and I looked back at her and her face was contorting and she was actually getting teary. It was strange recognizing the capacity of your toddler not yet grown child to not only have a musical appreciation but show clear signs of such strong emotion. This happened again tonight when her and I were singing one of her favorite songs: "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" Well, it's not a musical masterpiece or extremely sad, but every time the line came up when Anna says to Elsa, "okay bye" and gives up trying to play with her Sierra started making that same face, and real tears welled up in her eyes threatening to spill over the brim of her tiny little lids. I calmed her and said, "It's okay, sweetie, I'll always build a snowman with you. We'll always play." I also then started singing Frosty the Snowman, so as to lighten the mood. But seriously, that was an amazing moment where I realized how emotional my little Cancer sign baby is!?!
She saw the painted bike lane and kept saying bike over and over again; this was before we went into work out the softball team.
Sierra decided to use the face paint at daycare one day last week: expressing herself artistically I suppose. 3 or 4 washes later it all came off.
Anyhow, as for my blog title; going through my second pregnancy I have realized having less ego makes me happier. Enjoying what the day brings without obsessing about my physical energy expenditures (but in no way forgetting or relieving myself of doing anything either) feels good. Coming to grips with this point in my life as a point in our family's life has been eye-opening. Jogs pushing a stroller or pulling a baby bike trailer, these things aren't about keeping a "split" or hitting a new PR. It's about enjoying seeing her little nose pushing on the mesh windows in amazement at the greenery flying past her, or her giddiness as the dogs run besides her stroller on a gravel road as we stop 6 times on a jog that is barely 15 minutes just to laugh and untangle their leashes. Nor do I possibly feel that testing the limits of my strength in weight training during this pregnancy to be what I want either. There is also no feeling of guilt about any of this either. We all live in cycles and waves and I'm very happy on the one I'm riding right now.
I have had the ability to watch my pictures on slide show for the past few nights. As the screen brightens and the images flash before me, they jog different memories of my life and I see the joy that the last year and a half has brought me. I also see all of the independent journeys I made before this stage of my life and I smile, and I am happy with the now and I am happy with the then. I see the shots of Gus with Sierra and relish in the fact that I am raising our girls with my wonderful partner who will continue to inspire curiosity in our girls for years to come. A partner who will make sure our girls understand what it feels like to be appreciated and loved by a strong supportive male. Someone that I continue to grow and learn with.
I'm looking forward to his switch back to day shift as well; when we all might actually get to have our dinners together. He sacrificed his sleep cycle the past year for the extra money that swing shift brought putting it towards daycare, savings and student loans. After this winter we both realized how much more we would like to have time together in the evenings, and a normal waking/sleeping cycle for him. Otherwise, all is well here and I am looking forward to showing everyone the pictures of little Eve Aurora soon. I thought I would just take the time to write a more open entry since I had the head space to do it.
